[After
attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on.]
Barf:
Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.
Yogurt:
Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is
made. Spaceballs the T-shirt. Spaceballs the lunchbox. Spaceballs the
coloring book. Spaceballs... the flame thrower! Kids love it. And my
favorite, Spaceballs the Doll -- me!
[Pulls string]
Doll:
May the schwartz be with you!
[nurse
exits]
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
[Playing
with his dolls]
Dark Helmet: [In Dark Helmet
voice] And now Princess Vespa, I have you in my clutches, to have
my wicked way with you, the way I want to. [In Vespa voice]
No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely
attractive. [In D.H. voice] Of course you do! Druish
princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both,
and you *know* it! [In V. voice] No, no, leave me alone! [In
D.H. voice] No, kiss me! [V.] No! Stop! [D.H.] Yes,
yes! [V.] Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is so big!
[King
Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the
combination to the "air shield"]
Roland:
One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Sandurz: One.
Roland:
Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Sandurz: Two.
Roland:
Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Sandurz:
Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet:
Four.
Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark
Helmet: Five.
Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet:
So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the
stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of combination
an idiot would put on his luggage!
President
Skroob: What's the
combination?
Colonel Sandurz:
One, two, three, four, five.
President
Skroob: One, two, three, four,
five?
Colonel Sandurz:
Yes.
President Skroob:
That's amazing. I got the same combination on my luggage.
[Dark
Helmet and Sandurz look at each other]
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us.
[As
they are trekking through the desert]
Lonestar:
Water... water...
Barf: Water... water...
Dot
Matrix: Oil... oil...
Vespa: Room service... room
service...
Lone
Star: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt:
Unfair to the payor but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or
else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt:
Tell him, vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out
for *you*!
[Watching
"Spaceballs: The Movie". They reach "now" in the
movie.]
Dark
Helmet: What the hell am I looking
at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel
Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now,
sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark
Helmet: What hapened to then?
Colonel
Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark
Helmet: When?
Colonel
Sandurz: Just now. We're at now
now.
Dark Helmet:
Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz:
When?
Dark Helmet:
Now!
Colonel Sandurz:
Now?
Dark Helmet:
Now!
Colonel Sandurz:
I can't.
Dark Helmet:
Why?
Colonel Sandurz:
We missed it.
Dark Helmet:
When?
Colonel Sandurz:
Just now.
Dark Helmet:
When will then be now?
Colonel
Sandurz: Soon.
Dark
Helmet: How soon?
Private:
Sir.
Dark Helmet:
What?
Private:
We've identified there location.
Dark
Helmet: Where?
Private:
It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel
Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and
prepare for our arrival.
Dark
Helmet: When?
Private:
1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz:
By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark
Helmet: WHO!?
Princess
Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the
Druids.
Lone Star: Oh great. That's all we needed. A
Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Dark
Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel
Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see
anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you
playing with you dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Guard:
What the hell are you doing?
Lone Star: The Vulcan neck
pinch?
Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too
high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone
Star changes hand position]
Lone Star: Like
this?
Guard: Yeah!
[Guard falls to the
ground]
Lone Star: Thanks
Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.
Barf:
I know we need the money, but...
Lone Star: Listen! We're
not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of
money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right,
you're right. And you - you're always right.
Lonestar: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
Colonel
Sandurz: Prepare ship for Light
Speed.
Dark Helmet:
No. No. No. No. Light Speed is too slow.
Colonel
Sandurz: Light Speed too slow?
Dark
Helmet: Yes. We're gonna have to go
right to, Ludicrous Speed.
[people
in background gasp]
Colonel
Sandurz: Ludicrous Speed? Sir, we've
never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take
it.
Dark Helmet:
What's a matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???
Dark Helmet: Ludicrous Speed...GO!
[Upon
going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet:
My brains... are going into my feet!
Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.
[Colonel
Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching
_Spaceballs_(qv), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's
much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator:
Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz:
Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
Dark Helmet: Come back. You fat-bearded bitch!
[Skroob,
Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark
Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
Lone
Star: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That
was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Dark Helmet: say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
[After
the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President
Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what
to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
[When
Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress:
Ready to order?
Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have
the lunafish.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
Dark
Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about
us, Lone Star.
Lone Star: What?
Dark Helmet:
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone
Star: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely
nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
[Princess
Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't
shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed by a
laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
[Begins
blasting]
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke.
Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!
DOT Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.
[an
alien bursts out of a mans chest]
[begins
singing] Alien:
Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag-time gal. Send me a kiss
by wire. Baby my hearts on fire. If you refuse me, honey you lose me.
Then you'll be left alone, ohh baby. Telephone. And tell me I'm your
own.