Quotes from Spaceballs (1987)

[After attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on.]
Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs the T-shirt. Spaceballs the lunchbox. Spaceballs the coloring book. Spaceballs... the flame thrower! Kids love it. And my favorite, Spaceballs the Doll -- me!
[Pulls string]
Doll: May the schwartz be with you!

[nurse exits]
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.

Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?

[Playing with his dolls]
Dark Helmet: [In Dark Helmet voice] And now Princess Vespa, I have you in my clutches, to have my wicked way with you, the way I want to. [In Vespa voice] No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely attractive. [In D.H. voice] Of course you do! Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you *know* it! [In V. voice] No, no, leave me alone! [In D.H. voice] No, kiss me! [V.] No! Stop! [D.H.] Yes, yes! [V.] Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is so big!

[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of combination an idiot would put on his luggage!

President Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
President Skroob: One, two, three, four, five?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes.
President Skroob: That's amazing. I got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet and Sandurz look at each other]

Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us.

[As they are trekking through the desert]
Lonestar: Water... water...
Barf: Water... water...
Dot Matrix: Oil... oil...
Vespa: Room service... room service...

Lone Star: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the payor but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

[Watching "Spaceballs: The Movie". They reach "now" in the movie.]
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What hapened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Private: Sir.
Dark Helmet: What?
Private: We've identified there location.
Dark Helmet: Where?
Private: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?
Private: 1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: WHO!?

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Star: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Star: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Star changes hand position]
Lone Star: Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[Guard falls to the ground]
Lone Star: Thanks

Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Star: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.

Lonestar: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for Light Speed.
Dark Helmet: No. No. No. No. Light Speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light Speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes. We're gonna have to go right to, Ludicrous Speed.
people in background gasp]
Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous Speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What's a matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???

Dark Helmet: Ludicrous Speed...GO!

[Upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet: My brains... are going into my feet!

Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.

[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching _Spaceballs_(qv), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!

Dark Helmet: Come back. You fat-bearded bitch!

[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!

Lone Star: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Dark Helmet: say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.

President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!

[When Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress: Ready to order?
Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Star: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Star: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
[Begins blasting]

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!

Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!

Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke.

Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!

Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!

DOT Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.

[an alien bursts out of a mans chest]
begins singing] Alien: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag-time gal. Send me a kiss by wire. Baby my hearts on fire. If you refuse me, honey you lose me. Then you'll be left alone, ohh baby. Telephone. And tell me I'm your own.