Put Your Foot Down!
by Simon Clarke

Whoever said gay men were shallow?

In the race to bag the perfect husband we need all the help we can lay our gay paws on. It really is a job and a half trying to wade through the gay chaff out there - so take note.

Gay men’s shoes speak volumes about the quality of goods on offer above ankle snapping height.

Twinkie Trainers
These little numbers scream tearaway twinkie – approach with caution! While the wearer of these may look as if butter wouldn’t melt, the trainers tell a different tale. The trainers may be lily white but you can bet your last tube of lube that his ass ain`t. These trainers are pure sex puppy, so don’t go acting all shocked when your chicken charges by the hour!
Boyfriend Material: Depends on your credit limit

Sex Sandals
These beauties are one step up from the flip-flop and come complete with lifestyle implications. If your man is happy to slope around in these then he’s bound to have a wandering sausage! These are worn by your atypical pool party, neat goatee beard types – all bufty in their Hawaiian shirts but the moment your back’s turned, they’re whipping it out and waving it in the air like they just don’t care. Shoes for the queen who has to get naked at a second`s notice!
Boyfriend Material: Sausage on a stick – any stick will do

Bottom Boy Boots
Hmm…If your chappie is keen on these leather beauties then chances are that he wears little else come a weekend. He probably considers the local ‘boots only’ bar to be his second home and no doubt his back passage is vigorously protected by the Ramblers Association.
Boyfriend Material: Are you in yet?

Disco Bunny
Anyone who actually manages to keep up with trainer fashion trends has to be a high-speed queen. We’re thinking disco bunny that needs his lovin’ at 220 beats per minute. High-octane stuff for those who don’t like to take two bottles into the shower.
Boyfriend Material: One minute wonder

Brothel Creepers
These smack of wide boy to us. This guy is out to take you for a ride - complete with go-faster stripes and furry dice. He’s been there, done that and no doubt has a collection of cheap clothes to prove it. Of course he won’t mention that he finances his polyester lifestyle by pimping! It’s supply and demand, you know.
Boyfriend Material: In a darkened room perhaps

Bisexual Booties
These flatfooted horrors scream lentil-eating activist if you ask us! We`re thinking differently abled hygiene attributes and a penchant for unruly bodily hair. These kind of shoes will bag you the kind of boyfriend who likes his chest hair to peep over his collar and double up as a cuddly neck muffler in winter.
Boyfriend Material: Only after a good sheep dipping

High Heeled Homo
Oh lordy…if your man can tip-toe his way round in these sassy little numbers then good for him. You don’t need us to tell you that he’s better known as Shirley at the weekend and worships at the font of Cher! As your man is probably a tucker, may we suggest checking out the small of his back for signs of any sign meaty intention. Some of these trannies are hung like a horse, you know!
Boyfriend Material: That’s Girlfriend to you!

What do you mean – ‘your man likes to go bare footed’?